Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!
Order your divorced Barbie now - it comes with all of Ken's accessories free!
A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future - until he gets a wife!
A man will pay £2.00 for a £1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay £1.00 for a £2.00 item she doesn't want!
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Married men live longer than a single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die!
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up when you let him in!
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.
Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all !
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Wife: Because I married the wrong man!
A man who muttered a few words in the church, found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.